Brain Dump: If it’s not one thing…

It’s another. And another. And another.

At one point, I asked my therapist if it was just my perception, or if relatively significant stressful things really kept happening in my life at this pace. We talked about determining which things to actively engage with, and while I appreciate that, I feel there’s not much that I can opt out of.

• Daniel’s funeral was nice, and the family time was nice, with an undercurrent. I always have to be careful what I say, but particularly guarded with one person. Of course, that’s who I ended up spending the most time with due to several factors. Thanks, Mother Nature.
• Thank the fucking Universe for my far-flung friends! I was able to actually talk through all the stresses and reasons for those stresses that surrounded the death, the funeral, the family, and what they do. This is critical and so appreciated, because…
• I was not able to talk this through with my partner. I saw him right afterwards*, but he was in a hurry to get out of there. We had plans later, but there were movies on the whole time. I brought it up afterwards, and to his credit, he offered to talk the next day. But then…
• My coworker asked how it went, let me get a whole two sentences out, and then started talking over me. So my brain decided, “since no one wants to hear about this, we’re not speaking of it ever again,” and squashed it all down, far away from the light. I still think about it some, but I’m mostly processing it subconsciously. It may resurface one day, it may not.
• *I have a lingering irritation with this, too. That he wasn’t there. Maybe he didn’t comprehend how very significant this death and funeral were to me, because I kept my relationship with Daniel so close. There are so few Very Significant Deaths in my future, but he’d better fucking be there for those funerals.

Meanwhile…

• Work is fucking stressful. The decision-makers have checked out of a lengthy process and left it all to me at this point. I am continually immersed in legalese, and while editing is what I do naturally, legal editing is far more difficult. And they’ll never know exactly how much work and effort I’ve poured into this project.
• Beyond that, one decision-maker is making bad decisions more and more frequently. It’s all I can do to keep him from doing actual damage and keep him focused. There’s an election soon, and he has competition, for once. I need him to lose.
• My coworker is – while remaining absolute trash – an almost welcome break from legalese, and a sounding board regarding the errant decision-maker. But he’s amusingly jealous of my almost-daily phone calls with the fire chief.
• Those phone calls are usually just checking in, dealing with occasional business, but they’re the highlight of my mornings. I’m enjoying the slow process of actively becoming friends with this person.

And also meanwhile…

• There’s continual progress on the farmhouse. My cousins were impressed, and I’m still amazed at how much has happened. I’m more grateful to my partner than he’ll ever let me express for his work on it.
• After Daniel’s death, I participated in some relatively light retail therapy, and that has me feeling so guilty, because there’s so many places to sink money into the farmhouse. I don’t have enough, and I’m constantly aware of that, but in my emotional state, I couldn’t stop myself. At least I didn’t buy the laptop I’ve been looking at for weeks, or spend enough money here and there that I could have gotten it.
• I need clarity. Sometimes, my partner seems like he actively wants to do more, which starts me considering possibilities. Then he seems to not. With all that he’s given, I don’t know where the line is for asking too much. I mean, I feel like I’ve already crossed it so many times, and it keeps moving, but… there is an actual final line, somewhere.

And on the self-care front…

• My pain levels haven’t improved any since the breakup. It’s the low-level, constant, fibro pain, at least. Not the sharp, debilitating RA pain.
• I am eating better, though, and being careful to balance everything. As a result, I’ve lost [edit: 25] lbs., and it’s been a steady rate.
• I’m constantly trying to remember to drink water. I know I need to do better, but it’s so easy to forget.
• I’m smoking a little less these days. I only know that because it’s taking me a little longer to get through a carton than before. I’m not actively working on it, it’s just happening. Maybe someday.

Finally…

• I’ve started talking with a friend about the process of divorce, and how to navigate that. I’m ready. Beyond ready, actually.
• I don’t know how to bring this up, or when. He’s been going through emotional turmoil, but is moving on. For example, he misses companionship, but he doesn’t miss me – or at least, that’s how he portrays himself. I just need a time when he’s feeling at least neutral.
• He still texts me daily. I don’t mind it most of the time, but I say less and less in response.
• I want to mentally recategorize him from “ex” to “friend,” but there’s still things I wish I could say. I’ve said a few of them, and while that helped me, it doesn’t fit with his narrative, so it makes little impact beyond the moment, and I don’t care enough to pick those fights.