The day before my birthday was the day [the relationship as it was] ended. It’s a whole new thing, now. The endless spiral of questions and worries inside my head has disappeared, like a dust devil that tears itself apart and vanishes.
I’m more at peace. He is not. Now there’s moods and questions I can’t predict, because they’re external. But they don’t affect me the same way. They’re not screaming agony keeping me unfocused or awake at night. They rarely bring me to tears.
Still, I need to escape, to get away, to not be there. Even when it’s just me. Not all the time, but often enough that I notice. There was an emotional trauma in that place that I didn’t particularly like anyway.
I’m working on the farmhouse, as much as I can. It’s not easy when so much of it is just me. I don’t have enough time or energy, but I learned this weekend I damn sure have the strength. It’ll get done. It has to.