I feel like everything is going so well, but somehow, I’m only hanging onto my life by my fingernails. I’m not suicidal or anything like that, I’m just drowning. My partner and I are engaged, and every day since he asked, I’ve been positively joyous about it. It isn’t fadingContinue Reading
I’m decidedly not okay sometimes, and I can’t quite identify what I’m feeling or what caused it. I’m just writing my stream of consciousness, hoping it’ll help. Mom was more forgetful than usual today, but she was cheerful about it. It rips me apart to lose her inch by inch.Continue Reading
Since 2020 screwed with my sense of time, I haven’t been able to regain it. Because so many things have changed since I last wrote, I was sure it had been months – plural – since I’d written anything here. Things are going suspiciously well again, with the exception ofContinue Reading
Every time I think I get a handle on what my new normal is, it changes. My adaptability skills are being tested, and I’m doing okay with that. It just takes some time for my brain to catch up to reality. Everything is going suspiciously well. Work isn’t as frustratingContinue Reading
On May 7, right at 8:00 in the morning, the judge began my divorce proceedings. By 8:09 am, it was finished, and I’d filed the final paperwork, walked down the stairs, and out the door. I get warnings from people who have been divorced: “It’ll hit you eventually.” “It’ll comeContinue Reading
Steve doesn’t live here anymore. Thoughout this whole separation and all that came before it, I have been more than fair, more than generous, because I still cared about him as a person. I only had one request: that he not contact the woman he cheated with until I’d movedContinue Reading
Gabrielle sent me a stack of writing prompts, and I’m going to try to work through them. When I wake up in the morning, how do I most want to feel? I want to wake up feeling rested, at peace, and with hope for the day ahead. I sleep aContinue Reading
On Thursday, he chose her. He said he wanted to get back in touch with her, just to see if something would come of it. He asked what my reaction would be, and I said I’d leave as soon as possible, because I won’t have her even tangentially in myContinue Reading
I came across the Open Letter to Shitty Husbands today, and it wasn’t the volume about cheating that caught my attention. It was the volume about trust, and the little things: It wasn’t the big things that brought her to that point. There often aren’t big things in marriage. ItContinue Reading
The day before my birthday was the day [the relationship as it was] ended. It’s a whole new thing, now. The endless spiral of questions and worries inside my head has disappeared, like a dust devil that tears itself apart and vanishes. I’m more at peace. He is not. NowContinue Reading